oh hiiiiii

i have a blog?!?! 

oh, right.

oops?

well, here's where i was last week:

there was 

sun 

sun 

sun

and it was

fun 

fun

fun

(to quote Noah and the Whale)

(which is a band)

aaaaand what's up next? more blog ignoring. i'm finishing up school, nearly ready to become a licensed massage therapist. student clinics start this week, and after that... finals! 

also, an international trip, TO SEE MATT. omg i'm so excited. can't tell you any details like dates or locations because of OPSEC, but i'll take lots of pics and tell all about it after the fact.

every day between now and then is PACKED. i either have student clinic from 9-6PM, or i've got cleaning, packing, etc to do. my one day off consists of the following:

10 AM- mani/pedi

11:30 AM- wax

1:30 PM- haircut

2:30 PM- have a cyst cut out of my toe

5 PM- babysit my favorite baby

motherfreaking BUSY.

but in the best possible way.

i'm stressed, but good stressed.

trying to eat well and keep doing crossfit, although i'm still at my heaviest weight. i'll just keep plugging away and keep trying not to eat ice cream. damn you, haagen daaz. 

...and spring came

the days are longer, the air is warmer. ever so subtly, spring creeps up on us. 

with it, deployment. again. separation stings, like nettles. but it smarts longer, it takes longer to heal. 

ah, well. here we go again.

be still, sad heart, and cease repining;

behind the clouds is the sun still shining.

thy fate is the common fate of all:

into each life some rain must fall.

some days must be dark and dreary.

henry wadsworth longfellow

a homebirth

do all labors start at night? i wonder.

here's a tiny peek at the homebirth i recently witnessed. 

beautiful. emotional. powerful. so very different from a hospital birth.

a place to pass out... after hours of keeping watch

a few nutritious bites to eat 

midwives and doula 

an anxious beast

a new soul

preparing for a dear one's birth. soon! 

i am writing encouraging birth messages on rocks i collected at the sound. 

i especially liked this one. a good reminder to stay open. 

sometimes when you're open and ready, you can get taken off-guard by hard things, painful things- witness to suffering and the misery of others. but with the bad, there is the inevitable good that can come. 

source

hOMe is ____

a warm sanctuary surrounded by dripping, wet forest.

what is home for you?

obsessing

i will not obsess
i will not obsess
i will not obsess


------> currently obsessing.

about?

1. babies
2. school (current)
3. school (future)
4. career
5. music

let's start with babies, shall we? or rather, shall i? after all, it's just me sitting here, listening to three songs on repeat (posted below, another obsession tonight).

today sat on the couch in a pair of blue sweatpants and a purple converse shirt and cried grumpy, confused tears to my baffled husband. he held a sympathetic look but i'm sure he was just as confused as i was. and no, i don't have PMS. our conversation was something like this...

me: i don't want to have babies right now!
matt: then we don't have to! we can wait.
me: but you said it yourself... you turn 30 this year. you're getting old.
matt: that's okay.
me: but you don't want to be an old dad. and my uterus is getting older every day.
matt: no it's not.
me: yes, it is. i have an OLD uterus, and i need to make a baby right now, according to my body.
matt: so let's make a baby.
me: but what about school?
matt: so let's wait.
me: but what about my uterus?

and see, it's just so confusing. FOR ME. for matt, not a lot changes. he continues climbing the navy ladder. he will continue to deploy, go on dets, go to school. whatever. only he gets the added bonus of coming home to a little him or her.

me? i will sacrifice my body. i will give up school. i will give up working. for how long? one year? five years? basically, things derail. in a completely worth-it, life-changing-for-the-better sort of way. but still. that's a huge amount of control to give up for the unknown.

school. currently. finals are coming up for this term and i am freaking the hell out because i don't feel prepared at all. i keep waking up in the middle of the night, covered in a clammy sweat, stomach churning in anxiety. which is so much fun.

school. future. i'm thinking hardcore about nurse midwifery. and step one is nursing school. which i could start this summer after i'm done with this current endeavor of massage therapy. but we're talking years of school. SO much i could learn, do, be. but each year... another year added onto the life of my uterus. which is clearly aching to reproduce. damn thing.

and while i'm gripped by all these things, i'm listening to a band i just discovered, alt-J, on repeat. what the hell. sometimes a song (or songs) hit me and suddenly i'm twelve again and i keep mashing the << button on my cd player (aka - spotify) every time the song ends.

please don't go  ▽   i'll eat you whole  ▽   i love you so 

i love you so

▽ ∆ ▽

belonging

matt and i flew "home" for christmas. on christmas. 

we walked in the front door and took my mom completely by surprise. 

it was awesome.

:]

holidays are stressful and families are imperfect. and mine is no exception. but i love them so, so much. despite the misunderstandings, the differing opinions. 

after coming back to washington though, i just can't shake this feeling of home not really feeling like home. 

right now, washington feels most like home. but i don't think it will feel like home always. close friends are moving in the next few years, closer to their own families, to where jobs are, to where the navy sends them. 

and when they're gone? will washington still feel the same? and how long do we have before the navy sends us somewhere else?

for certain, georgia no longer feels like home. the small town i grew up in feels much smaller. i don't think i could live there now. 

is that terrible to say? i feel like it must be offensive to the people that still live there. i don't mean it in a negative way. i only mean that i have changed and the things that are important to me don't really exist there. if i could choose an ideal place to live, it wouldn't be there. 

so... where, then?

i feel like i belong... no where.

it's weird.

^^ photos from our trip to asheville, nc and the biltmore estate.