i will not obsess
i will not obsess
------> currently obsessing.
about?
1. babies
2. school (current)
3. school (future)
4. career
5. music
let's start with babies, shall we? or rather, shall i? after all, it's just me sitting here, listening to three songs on repeat (posted below, another obsession tonight).
today sat on the couch in a pair of blue sweatpants and a purple converse shirt and cried grumpy, confused tears to my baffled husband. he held a sympathetic look but i'm sure he was just as confused as i was. and no, i don't have PMS. our conversation was something like this...
me: i don't want to have babies right now!
matt: then we don't have to! we can wait.
me: but you said it yourself... you turn 30 this year. you're getting old.
matt: that's okay.
me: but you don't want to be an old dad. and my uterus is getting older every day.
matt: no it's not.
me: yes, it is. i have an OLD uterus, and i need to make a baby right now, according to my body.
matt: so let's make a baby.
me: but what about school?
matt: so let's wait.
me: but what about my uterus?
and see, it's just so confusing. FOR ME. for matt, not a lot changes. he continues climbing the navy ladder. he will continue to deploy, go on dets, go to school. whatever. only he gets the added bonus of coming home to a little him or her.
me? i will sacrifice my body. i will give up school. i will give up working. for how long? one year? five years? basically, things derail. in a completely worth-it, life-changing-for-the-better sort of way. but still. that's a huge amount of control to give up for the unknown.
school. currently. finals are coming up for this term and i am freaking the hell out because i don't feel prepared at all. i keep waking up in the middle of the night, covered in a clammy sweat, stomach churning in anxiety. which is so much fun.
school. future. i'm thinking hardcore about nurse midwifery. and step one is nursing school. which i could start this summer after i'm done with this current endeavor of massage therapy. but we're talking years of school. SO much i could learn, do, be. but each year... another year added onto the life of my uterus. which is clearly aching to reproduce. damn thing.
and while i'm gripped by all these things, i'm listening to a band i just discovered, alt-J, on repeat. what the hell. sometimes a song (or songs) hit me and suddenly i'm twelve again and i keep mashing the << button on my cd player (aka - spotify) every time the song ends.
please don't go ▽ i'll eat you whole ▽ i love you so
i love you so
▽ ∆ ▽
8 comments:
We need to catch up. Soon. :-)
You know me, I'm also Obsessy Q. McLarry, so I feel your pain on all of this. You have plenty of time to start thinking of babies AND school, I promise! Just take it a day at a time and listen to yourself and relaaaaax. Oh, and come visit me in Santa Fe. :)
Well you can't post a blog like that and not expect some opinions....so I'm gonna add my two cents:
I know it's cliche but it's true - If you wait until your're ready to have a baby, you'll never have one. It's NEVER the perfect time. In our lives we always have something going on.
Truth number two: Life goes on while you're pregnant/have a baby. Work/school doesn't have to stop unless you want it to. You keep doing the same things you've been doing, except now you have to find a sitter. When my son was young I did a lot of online classes while it was nap time :)
Truth three: Sorry, but you're right about your uterus. After the age of 24, your healthy eggs start declining. What this means is that you have a higher chance of having a baby with possible health issues. HOWEVER, you still can have a perfectly healthy baby - millions of women do!
Truth four: As women we feel like this is all on us. Your husband's life WILL change. He will feel the pressure of now having a third person to provide for, and all the other responsibility that comes with that.
Truth five: God has already planned for this little one and He know exactly what's going to happen. It's out of your control. In Jeremiah 1:5 God says: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"; Psalm 139:16 says: "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
God already KNOWS your baby - and THAT is exciting!!!
Best wishes and much love while you make this decision together. I will pray that God gives you the peace that passes all understanding.
~Lauren in Oregon
(on a personal note, I felt pressure from my husband to have my son way before I felt ready - however, once he came into the world I wished that I had had him years before, just so I could have more time knowing him).
I can relate... truly. I am currently obsessing over having a second baby.
I will be 35 in August. Lots of added risks, but I don't have to tell you that.
What my heart feels the need to tell you... is yes, you make sacrafices to have a child.. BUT, you will not lament them because a child is a new gift, a new direction, a new cause.. new LIFE. They will become your purpose, you will not regret what you had to POSTPONE (I never say give up!).
Trust your gut/uterus. My only regret is not having met my Husband sooner and had babies sooner. I'd have more now if that was the case. I was engaged on my 30th birthday, married three months later. Lost the first baby 6 months later. Then.... blessed be, our Megan!!!! I would not change it for the world. But now the decision to have another, is an obsession all its own. I hear the clock ticking.....
Trust. Yourself. - do not focus on the fearful unknowns, because the KNOWN is a true blessing that so many cannot experience. You can do this!!! It will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
___Steps off soapbox___
If it makes you feel better (and I'm not sure how it will) ... if Isaac hadn't been accidental/surprise baby, I'd be dealing with the same debates right now.
I hope you find your way.
I'm praying you find it soon.
One thing I do know ... Having a kid is hard and I wasn't at all ready and still have days when the timing feels bad ... but, but. He makes my life better. So, so much better.
so many things to worry about, i guess i had it so easy! i either got pregnant or i didn't. there was no planning. try not to stress over it honey. i love you...
hugs, grammy
xoxoxoxoxoxo
My sister in law and her husband waited to have children. They wanted to finish school and make sure they were financially ready and what not. A few years down the line when they were ready, in fact I think it was not long after she got off her birth control, that she was tragically killed in a car accident......
You can plan and prepare all you want but you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Just something to think about.
my hubby is almost 42 and i'm 31, and we still don't have babies. we have fertility problems so it really stinks! you still have time for babies - you guys aren't that old.
Post a Comment